Excerpts From a Dog’s Diary

Day 180

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day 181

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day 182

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm – ohhhhhh. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Excerpts From a Cat’s Diary

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry nuggets. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must try this on their bed.

DAY 765

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I’d hoped this would strike fear in their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates of what I’m capable. However, they merely made condescending remarks about what a “good little hunter” I am. The bastards!

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

Tonight there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

***

Again, an email from my sister. I’d seen it before but it is kinda-sorta funny, dotcha think? And if you don’t think it’s funny, then you’d at least admit that it is fact. That is if you’ve ever shared your home with dogs and cats.

xo, Angela

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007 at 4:14 pm and is filed under Bethany's Email, Funny Side Up. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.