 | Lawyers, Guns and Money |
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If I were more of the professional sort, I would keep charts and graphs about all kinds of stats. i.e. types of calls, lengths of calls, advertising budget, demographics, fetishes, kinks, unique requests, repeat callers. I could get highly analytical with the collected data, cross-referencing and applying mathematical isms and such.
But I just find the whole thing much too tedious and all that stuff is really just jabberwocky to me. I'm a smart ass poet, dontcha know? No time nor tolerance for such scientific shenanigans.
What I do know is that — without naming names — I have a heck of a lot of attorneys as clients. So this is a special little homage for you guys. You know who you are.
***
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The drunk, of course. The other three are mythological creatures.
***
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
***
Q. Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
***
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
***
When two dogs fight for a bone, and a third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs. ~German Proverb
***
Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
***
How lawyers do it…
Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.
***
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
***
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
***
Q. Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A. Law School.
***
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
***
Q. Why aren't lawyers allowed on the beach?
A. Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
***
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
***
Q. Whats the difference between God and a lawyer.
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
***
I get paid for seeing my clients have every break the law allows. I have knowingly defended a number of guilty men. But the guilty never escape unscathed. My fees are sufficient punishment for anyone. ~F. L. Bailey
________________________________________________________
xo, Angela
I could give you a lecture about how lawyers are unfortunately the last class about whom it is politically correct to make demeaning jokes. I could point out that dumping on lawyers is in fact dumping on our system of laws, which is the best protector of the rights of the powerless that humans have yet come up with.
Or I could just admit that all of these are damn funny. Thanks, as always, for the smiles, Angela.
“First thing, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
And then of course there’s that one about:
“What Do You Call 10,000 Attorneys at the Bottom of the Ocean…”
Thanks for the chuckles
Between you, me and the rest of your readers, I’ve heard a lot of lawyer jokes. Not only had I not heard these, they are damn funny.
The best Lawyer Jokes I’ve heard/read in a long time. And great to see lawyer guy is such a great sport.