 | Affairs |
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A good friend of mine read these to me over the phone and I couldn’t quit giggling. I begged him to send them to me via email, so I could share them with my readers (all three of you).
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. After she’d done so, he put them on and drove home. “Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” His wife looked down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf.”
Affair #2
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby girl. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his son. He was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen. He said to his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” Have you been fooling around behind my back?” The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time.”
Affair #3
A mortician was working late one night. Examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, which was about to be cremated, he made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen. “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home. “I have something to show you that you are not going to believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My God” his wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?”
Affair #4
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, “pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it. So I got us one, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damn thing.
Affair #5
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, sir, that will be one cent,” the bartender said. “One cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice, juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” To which the bartender replied, “A nickle.” The man looked at the bartender. “A nickle? That’s crazy. Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The bartender said, “Upstairs, sir, with my wife.” The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender smiled and answered, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
Affair #6
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.” His wife patted his cheek. “There’s no need to do that,” she said. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and even your mother!” His wife smiled. “I know you did, honey. Now just rest and let the poison work.”
