 | Bitch Slapped by Santa |
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Dear Santa,
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay, I’ll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know!
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whining begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
***
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky.” That’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogie man does: through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams.
Santa
***
(Forwarded by my sister from an inter-office email. Which is why all the elf’s work is being outsourced.)
xo, Angela
The exchange between Thomas and Santa had me in stitches. You always keep us entertained.
I just knew Santa was real. Thanks for letting us see another side of him! (Angela, your sister is a hoot!)
Gee…nobody else like this?
I loved it, Angie. I was trying to write another letter to add and I found just how hard it is to get the right mix of “authentic-sounding” letter and bitchy but amusing response. Thanks for sharing these successful and very funny efforts.
*snerk*
It almost has that Dogbert DNRC newletter feel to it. But naughtier.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
Bah! Humbug!
Dear Ms.St.Lawrence,
As always you bring a smile to my face.
I see, your sister also has a gift for making the smiles appear.
It must be in the jeans… I wish I was in your jeans.
Thank you for being you and sharing so much,
HDB
hugs I miss ya hope you are well……..Merry Xmas
ROTFLMAO….You are such a joy to read!! I’ve got to mention this on my blog – it’s absolutely irresistible, like you 😉
You really sleigh me, Angela.
[…] Well it appears that Angela’s sister has the same wicked sense of humour that we share and you can find the Bad Santa replies to kiddies’ letters here, in “Bitch slapped by Santa” […]