Nun-Sense

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you."

She said, "You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what’s the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!"

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The pr iest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

Where’s God?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble — so much so that whenever mischief occurs in their town, they are usually the first to blame.  

The boys’ mother finally approached the parish priest, asking if he would speak with her boys. The priest agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the priest in the afternoon.

The priest, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the priest repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The priest raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O’Malley?"

It is!

"This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?"

I can!

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

I do!

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

He is!

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

He will.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man:  I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,  where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest:  Are you sorry for your sins?

Man:  What sins?

Priest:  What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man:  I’m Jewish.

Priest:  Why are you telling me all this?

Man:  I’m 92 years old . . . I’m telling everybody!

…  for this Doctor.

An Interview with Doctor X

Q:  I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A:  Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A:  You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:  No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:  What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A:  Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!

Q:  Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A:  YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A:  Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  Are you crazy? HELLO!  Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A:  Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Q:  What about all those nutritional studies?

A.  Well their intentions are good, it just that just most scientists and health care professionals wrongly interpret the data.  Here’s the facts:

• Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
• Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

So eat and drink what you like. It’s clearly speaking English that kills you.

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy one in every colour.

3 Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no menopause and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here…..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone-else’s ex-boyfriend!

***In case you’ve been wondering why I’ve been MIA, I’ve been dealing with two ear infections, one right after the other.  It has not been fun; and has, in fact, been incredibly painful.  I think I am finally on the mend and plan on taking calls tomorrow.

Cajun Math Test

A Cajun man wanted a job, but the foreman wouldn’t hire him until he passed a little math test.  

Here is your first question, the foreman said, "without using numbers, represent the number 9."  "Without numbers," the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What’s this?" the boss asks. 

"Ave you got no brain?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss.? "Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.   "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.? So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go.? One hundred." 

The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?" 

Sick Leave

Redhead Renee urgently needed a mini-vacation, but knew her boss would not allow her to just take time off.  So she hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. Her co-worker, Blonde Brenda, asked her what she was doing.  Redhead Renee replied that she was just being a light bulb.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "what are you doing?"

"I’m a light bulb," Readhead Renee answered.

"You are clearly stressed out, the boss said.  "Go home and recuperate for a couple days."

"Yes, sir," Redhead Renee gleefully responded, jumping down from the ceiling and walking towards the office door. 

With that, Blonde Brenda pushed out from her desk, stood up, grabbed her purse, and turned to follow Redhead Renee.

"Hey," said the boss, "just where in the hell do you think you are going?"

"I’m going home, too," retorted Blond Brenda, " I can’t work in the dark!" 

Perverse Irony

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Of course you’re familiar enough now with my sister’s emails.   Bethany sends me a lot of raunchy stuff (like the joke below), which tickles me to no end, since she might be considered the "good sister" of the two of us.  Most of the emails she forwards have been circulated amongst the other nine-to-fivers with whom she shares her "American Dream" career.  Today she surprised me with this lovely picture, which just blew my socks off. 

Which reminds me, I may be going on a retreat this weekend.  If it happens, I will be thinking spiritual thoughts rather than speaking dirty words.  Which would be nice for a change.    I will let you know what’s up, when I know myself.

And now, what you really want, Bethany’s dirty joke:

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling,this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

The man says: "I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you."

Pretty funny, huh?  A little bit politically incorrect, perhaps.  But as my ribald friend, Laurie, always says:  Don’t get hard, Peter.  I was only playing with you! 

*wink*

And if you’re blowing time on the Net, please do check out FREE RICE.  I simply love the game (you may be familiar with a Reader’s Digest version which is much harder and downright tricky),  And just  how cool is it to know that every time you get a word correct twenty grains of rice go to feed the hungry?

xo, Angela