Excerpts From a Dog’s Diary

Day 180

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day 181

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day 182

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm – ohhhhhh. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Excerpts From a Cat’s Diary

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry nuggets. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must try this on their bed.

DAY 765

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I’d hoped this would strike fear in their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates of what I’m capable. However, they merely made condescending remarks about what a “good little hunter” I am. The bastards!

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

Tonight there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

***

Again, an email from my sister. I’d seen it before but it is kinda-sorta funny, dotcha think? And if you don’t think it’s funny, then you’d at least admit that it is fact. That is if you’ve ever shared your home with dogs and cats.

xo, Angela

Bethany (my sister) sent this to me last week. It seems her office is in a tizzy, due to an influx of new sales people, mostly men. Her usually less-than-enthusiastic (but very hot–blonde and big boobs) secretary has suddenly become outrageously outgoing and flirtatious which is causing disharmony along with some nasty gossip. I say they are all jealous.

Probably because they can find nothing more interesting to do all day long than exchange emails like the one from which the following is excerpted.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “And as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. So Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, and then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super-size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs

‘Cuz we rock, don’t ya know?

A Comedian

Lisa Landry ~at her website ~on My Space.

Vocations Club ~Paula Sergi

We met on Tuesdays after school
with Sister Mary Agnes,
the two Mary Lous, Julie, Kay and me
to learn about being nuns.
The convent sounded good;
a room of my own, a single bed,
time to think and pray, no fighting
over what we’d watch-Bonanza versus Dragnet,
or who would get the couch.
I dug those crazy nun outfits, and hated hand-me-downs
with too long sleeves and too tight waists.
I’d take the smell of polished wood and incense
over burnt grilled cheese and sour milk.
I’d have a good job, teaching kids
and all the chalk I’d want,
long, unbroken pieces that echoed off the board,
all eyes on me as I’d tap directions,
conducting my classroom all day.
People, I’d begin, today we’re talking about…
whatever I want to!
Nuns got great rosaries with fancy beads
and lots of gifts at Christmas.
And the solitude of celibacy sounded pretty good,
better than worrying about French kissing
like my sister, better than pining for men,
like mom, whose men left anyway.

A Joke

(courtesy of my sister’s Email)

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”

She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, “Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, ” Sandra , have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, “Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, “Reva, What seems to be the rush?”

The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”

Birds and Bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks: Daddy, how was I born?

The father answers: Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mother and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You’ve got male.

It’s Not Geography

Broadway: 500 seats or more.

Off Broadway: 100 – 499 seats.

Off, Off Broadway: Less than 100 seats

Necessity is the Mother

Birds and Bees was forwarded to me from my sister Bethany’s IOC. Which, if you didn’t know, stands for Intra-Office Communication in the corporate world (aka email among us more common folk).

Regarding It’s Not Geography…who knew that seating capacity rather than address defines this stuff? I sure didn’t. And I even attend at least a bit of theater here and there.

Which…has prompted me to add two new categories (I despise this “category” crap, don’t you know…but it is a necessary evil. So say the Google and SEO Gods. And the glorious and beautiful Mistress V.):

• Bethany’s Email — Which I was tempted to call Outsource Me Please. Because, as you should know, sis sends me quite a bit of these emails. Zillions, in fact. I mean, after all, don’t these executive types have anything better to do?
• Who Knew? — Which will probably go through a few name changes before I’m happy with it. But I do hear, see and learn things I’d like to share with you. So please tolerate my silliness. At least for now?

And that’s pretty much all I have to say today. So there.

Smooches