You don’t really think she is looking for candy, do you?
(Thanks Mr. W. for the pic.)

xo, Angela

A sure sign that a caller proclaiming to be “submissive” is really just a wannabe is when he tries to “top from the bottom.” If you’re not familiar with this phrase, Wikipedia says:

Topping from the bottom is a BDSM term, meaning a person who wants to be dominated but simultaneously direct the top to do it according to their wishes.

This happens a lot. Particularly with Long Distance Domination. Of which I happen to do quite a bit. I like it. In fact, I like it a lot. At least most of the time. But there are those times when I just want to strangle the caller because he is really just a wannabe.

The wannabes haven’t had any, or at least very little real life experience. Which means that they’ve most likely spent years dreaming up the ideal scenario. Richard in commenting on a Sex Kitten discussion calls this the “Fantasy Ferris Wheel.” An apt term; I think I’ll keep it. Because look what else Wikipedia has to say:

Topping from the bottom is usually considered poor practice [emphasis mine] amongst lifestyle BDSM devotees, although fairly common amongst the “BDSM curious” or newcomers who have had submissive sexual fantasies for some time but lacked real experience of a sexual dominant.

On certain days –and this was one of them– I do believe that I have had it up to my pretty brown eyes with wannabes. Because when a guy calls with all these preconceived ideas of what is the “perfect D/s and/or BDSM experience, he is usually going to try my patience. Because his “tunnel vision” is firmly in place and is strung so tight around his balls that there’s no communication. He is a wannabe-sub-robot.

Now, as an Erotic Conversationalist, I am a good listener. I know this, because my callers keep calling back. I think it’s safe to assume that this translates into “Angela gives good phone.” I really want the guy on the other end of the phone to have a superior experience. And not just him, but me too. Because I like what I do–when I am permitted the opportunity to do it well.

But if my caller is set on wannabe-sub-robot autopilot (monotone: Mistress must make me say that I am her kinky-boy ass kisser every other sentence. Mistress must wear red stilletos. Mistress must smoke marlboro lights. Mistress must stick her right heel –not her left one– up my ass.), I am just not going to get anywhere with him. This is the Distance Domination form of topping from the bottom.

And he is going to be disappointed. And you know what? I’m glad the little jerky-boy is. It’s what he deserves for waisting both his and my time. Both of us have better things to do.

Otherwise, things are fine. How about you?

xo, Angela

Hello?

It took you five rings to answer the telephone. Is that acceptable?

No, Mistress. I was getting the mail and forgot to take the extension phone with me. I’m sorry.

I am very busy running a real estate office here, Thomas. I don’t have time for your fuck-ups. Two Rings! The rules are clear.

Yes, Mistress.

Have you had your piss popsicle?

Yes, Mistress. Exactly at Noon, just like you said. Thank you.

And did you wear your pink sissy bloomers to the mail box?

Yes, Mistress. I think the paperboy saw me. It was very embarrassing.

And the ironing? Have you finished it yet?

I have two more of your blouses to do and that will be it, Mistress.

So the iron is still plugged in, correct?

Oh, Mistress, please, no.

Get the iron, Thomas. Now.

Yes, Mistress.

Are you ready, Thomas?

Yes, Mistress.

Pull your right testicle out of the right leg of your sissy bloomers.

Ohhhh…

Right now. Do it.

Yes, Mistress.

Now place the bottom of the iron on that testicle, Thomas. Hold it there while I count to three. Don’t dare take it off. And don’t you dare scream.

Yes, Mistress.

One. Two. Three. Are you crying, Thomas?

Yes, Mistress.

Good. Do you think you will answer the phone within two rings the next time I call?

Yes, Mistress. I have learned my lesson. You were right to punish me. I was very stupid and I am so sorry.

Go finish the ironing. And prepare dinner for two this evening. I will be bringing home a guest.

Yes, Mistress.

Ok, I will see you later then.

Mistress?

Yes, what is it?

I love you.

***Edit: Yes, I did write this. Originally for Blistered Lips, which you would find here if you are so inclined.

“Why?” I was asked by a certain someone who will remain nameless, but not linkless. Mostly because I love the art of fantasy in all it’s sickeningly sweet & perverse guises. And the scene in the story just wouldn’t happen at my place, ‘cuz I don’t even own an iron, nor would I ever cause such damage to any human being. But I do occasionally find it fun to think about. And, yes, I am the same girl who also wrote this. I can’t figure me out, but I’m sure having fun.

Happy Friday the Thirteenth.

1. Financial Goddess worth giving it up for: Exclusively Devon
2. Scarlett Teese: That would be Johansson and Dita Von (yum yum).
3. My newest pairs of heels: Are these sexy or what? and Would you kneel?
4. Laura Baumach: Sensually Wicked Man Love
5. Phone Sex with Miss Swan (very funny)
6. Maria’s online diary: Cuckolding Martin (very hot, sexy, explicit)
7. Cross-Dressing: From the inside out (honestly thoughtful)
8. Barely Legal PhoneSex Sweetheart (prepare to be amazed)
9. So you want to write erotica? (excellent resource, frequently updated)
10. Dominatrix, Heineken style. Actually, pretty much on the money.
11. A Woman of Conviction. Someone to admire, champion and support.
12. A most interesting artist who’s recently caught my attention.
13. OMG! Look what Mistress Sky’s been up to. I adore this woman!

More fun with the Friday the Thirteenth:

• WiKipeDia says
• Test Your Friday the 13th IQ
• Friday the 13th Strip Tease
• Jason Vorhees Redux

And one more thing:

First 5 callers: 1.13 per minute. Oops! Sale all gone. Sorry. (Thanks, guys!)

Angela 

6:00a.m.

And:  I am not Laura!  (see below)

Mistress V and I were recently commiserating on the real deal behind all the glitz and glamour of being FemDom PhoneFatales. (I know, I know. There’s zillions now and the good ones are getting harder to find, but I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.) We both find it quite amazing (and even revealing when it comes to the male sexual psyche) that our callers, particularly the beloved submissives and slaves, have this Petrarchan (referring to my introduction: I am not Laura!) ideal of us firmly imbedded in their eroticized brains when, in fact, we are working like dawgs.

Or maybe we are just scampering about like cute little puppies.   At least the good ones are.   Because (a simple equation):

Professional Standards    +    Elevated Listening IQ    +    Creative Intuition   +   Zealous Industry    =     Good FemDom Phone

Hey, it’s a dirty job, but…

Which leads me around to a thought I’ve been percolating for quite some time: That I am, perhaps, a bit more to the Female Dominant side than I’ve ever cared to admit, particularly in a public forum such as this blog. Because I do –and will continue to do so– preach about balance in all things, including our sexuality. And because I do so abhor the boxes so regularly forced upon sexuality these days.

(Rules, rules and more rules. This need to attach exact definitions to who we are, to assign each and every precious and unique human spirit to some rigid category regardless of the damage caused, to insist upon black and white uniformity in a veritable crayon box of possibilities–well, it sucks, quite honestly. I find it tedious, even gauche–maybe even a mortal sin.)

So, I’ve addressed three specific things so far in this entry, haven’t I?   Have I confused you?   Not making sense?    Ok, first the mentionables, as we won’t even worry about the unmentionables:

1. The Real Work of Appearing Effortlessly Sexy
2. FemDom Angela: yes? no? maybe?
3. Freeze Dried Sexual Identities

While not immediately discernable, these three things do, in fact, all tie in together. Stay with me on this and it just might begin to make some sense. So lets get to it. Shall we?

About this sex thing and male vs. female. In a way, just in a way, I do believe woman are naturally superior to men. There, I’ve said it out loud. (Does this please you, Submissive Savant?) But, here’s the rub: God made it that way and it’s ok. Superior does not mean better, smarter or any type of “er” whatsoever.