Christmas Quickies

Q: What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will sleigh you 

Q:  Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A:  Because he had low elf esteem.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
  You know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names."

Why Christmas Trees are Better than Men

• A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
• It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
• A Christmas tree is always erect.
• Even small ones give satisfaction.
• You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
• A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
• You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
• A Christmas tree always looks good – even when it’s lit.
• It’s always there to light up your life.
• A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
• If it needles you, you can toss it out.
• It always smells nice and doesn’t pass gas.
• A Christmas tree has cute balls.
• You only have to feed/water it once a week.
• It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.

The Christmas Panties

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy". 

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a gold bell from his key chain, so he is also allowed in. 

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

The third man answered "They’re Carol’s."

If you see a fat man …
Who’s jolly and cute,
wearing a beard
and a red flannel suit,
and if he is chuckling
and laughing away,
while flying around
in a miniature sleigh
with eight tiny reindeer
to pull him along,
then lets face it …

Your eggnog’s too strong!!!

Top Ten Signs You Bought a Lousy Tree*

10. It’s two feet tall and 40 feet wide.

9.  Salesman’s opening line: "You’re not a cop, are you?"

8.  It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck to it.

7.  While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

6.  Each branch has a "Duraflame" sign printed on it.

5.  Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top 10 list.

4.  It’s very small and says "Air Freshener" on it.

3.  Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Mujibur put a cheap Statue of Liberty trinket on top of it.

1. It’s constantly bragging about its "trunk size."

*David Letterman

Oh yes she did say it:

It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be abstinent alone. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can’t masturbate without lust!

Lester (Kevin Spacey) jerks it in American Beauty

Jimmy Kimmel:

I’m not a political person.  I keep to myself.  I’m not one to get involved in these things.

I’m not proud to say I’ll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I’ll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences.

But I’ll tell you something:  When our right to masturbate is threatened, that’s where I draw the line.  What goes on between me in my own bedroom  (and car sometimes) is my business, not the government’s.

Phone Sex Caller #12: 

This is a recession and masturbation is all we’ve got.  And she wants to take that away from us?

Roger Ebert tweet:

Karl Rove hoping to cast Pee-Wee Herman in the Willy Horton role for Christine O’Donnell‘s attack ads.

Phone Sex Caller #5:

I’ll just quote Mark Twain:  Be good and you will be lonesome.

Jay Leno:

Frankly, I don’t think it’s any of her business what I do in the privacy of that voting booth. This is America. Once you close that little curtain, you should be able to pull any lever you want.

dutchboy (blog comment):

Though maybe we shouldn’t get too cocksure and erect her political headstone just yet. After all, the teabaggers will be pulling for her, long and hard. If they can stimulate turnout, her campaign might experience a sudden spurt. Things could still get sticky in Delaware. This is truly a seminal political moment.

Stephen Colbert:

"Masturbation is adultry." I know this is horrible news for my home audience, many of whom are committing adultry even as we speak.  But, folks, don’t panic.  There is simple way to fix this problem:  Simply, marry your hand!

Phone Sex Caller #7:

It’s like you say on your Twitter Account, Angela:  Do you really think God cares what you do with your dick? 

Craig Ferguson:

A lot of people love this woman. In the last 24 hours she’s raised more than $1,000,000. Which I think is ironic, because she’s against masturbation, but she’s taking money hand over fist.

Phone Sex Caller #34:

Wonder what she’d say if she knew that I regularly eat my own cum? 

___________________________

xo, Angela

Source Material: Daniel Kurtzman, Rachel Maddow Video, Roger Ebert Twitter Feed,