Picture Credit:  Toothpaste for Dinner

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder — and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana..

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall — the police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.   One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger — then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said:  Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse told her, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road — is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison — was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray — is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet — writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion..

23. Don’t join dangerous cults:  Practice safe sects!

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Lest you forget ~ I have a way with words too. 

I have a way with Dirty words: 

Conjugated Naughtiness.  Punctuated Deviance.  Grammatical Impuri-tease.  Personified Debauchery.  Stylized Kink.

Just move those sticky fingers and  CLICK Right HERE

My sweet sister, Bethany, as I’ve oft mentioned, forwards me zillions of emails she receives inter/intra office.  Because, I guess, that’s what all the people with vanilla jobs do with their time on the company clock.

(Except the sneaky guys holing up behind their office door or inside a bathroom stall to call me for a bout of dirty, nasty PhoneSex.  You know who you are.  No sense blushing!  Or stuttering.  Or hiding behind that Wall Street Journal.  I’ve got your number.  Oh, I forgot.  I don’t have your number.  You have have my number.  *wink* ) 

Anyway, I thought this was awesome-cute and am passing it along:

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is .. . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . .. having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. . not piddling in your pants.

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Hope you enjoyed.  And I am available for Phone Sex Calls this evening.  But don’t expect me to be as cute and nice as the above.  I’m thinking more along the lines of some serious fetish or kink.  Maybe a Cuckold Call or two?  Or some serious BDSM?  At least a bit of Cross-Dressing or Forced Bi?

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Happy Howl-O-Ween

  EAT, DRINK & BE SCARY!

♦♦♦♦

Broomstick Rides Available:  Click Here

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Little Orphan Annie

by James Whitcomb Riley

Little Orphan Annie’s come to our house to stay,
And wash the cups and saucers up, and brush the crumbs away,
And shoo the chickens off the porch and dust the hearth and sweep,
And make the fire, and bake the bread, and earn her board and keep;
And all us other children, when the supper things is done,
We set around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun
A-listeniin’ to the witch tales that Annie tells about,
And the Gobble-uns that gits you if you don’t watch out!

Once they was a little boy who wouldn’t say his prayers–
And when he went to bed at night, away upstairs,
His mammy heard him holler and his daddy heard him bawl,
And when they turned the kivvers down, he wasn’t there at all!
And they seeked him in the rafter room, and cubby hole and press,
And seeked him up the chimney flue, and everywheres, I guess;
But all they ever found was just his pants and round about!
And the Gobble-uns’ll git you if you don’t watch out!

And one time a little girl would always laugh and grin,
And make fun of everyone, and all her blood and kin;
And once when they was company and old folks was there,
She mocked them and shocked them and said she didn’t care!
And just as she kicked her heels, and turnt to run and hide,
They was two great big Black Things a-standin’by her side,
And they snatched her through the ceiling
‘fore she knowed what she’s about!
And the Gobble-uns’ll git you if you don’t watch out!

And little Orphan Annie says, when the blaze is blue,
And the lampwick sputters, and the wind goes woo-oo!
And you hear the crickets quit and the moon is gray,
And the lightning bugs in dew is all squenched away–
You better mind your parents, and your teachers fond and dear,
And cherish them that loves you, and dry the orphan’s tear,
And help the poor and needy one that cluster all about,
Or the Gobble-uns’ll git you if you don’t watch out!

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Believe me, it’s very scary when PQS reads this aloud to you!  That man has a way with him.  Oh yes he does.

The poet’s website:  Click Here   Wikipedia Page:  Click Here

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And did you hear about the Twitter "Tweance" wherein a psychic contacted Michael Jackson, Kurt Cobain and River Phoenix?  Sadly, Avon Bard, Shakespeare was apparently rather tired and chose not to participate.  You can "see" the Seance HERE.  And read about it HERE.

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Before you go …

… shall we Dance? 

Dance the Monster Mash?  Click Here