‘Cuz it sure isn’t me.

I think this has to do with the Case of the Missing Maid.  At least that’s all I can put my finger on.

In case you hadn’t heard, I’ve been in the process of hiring a maid for quite a while now; literally, months.  Well I finally did it.  I came down off of my picky-prickly high horse and finally picked someone.  The deed was done and we were ready to go!

She requested particular cleaning products.  I made a special trek to the store to purchase every item on her list.  Was even paying her more than she’d asked for (I just thought she was under-valuing herself. Guess it’s the FemDom in me.)  She tells me she wants to start at 7:00am.  Not in my game plan.  But, hey, nobody (just you hush yo’ mouth, hdb) ever said I was inflexible.

That was yesterday. The day of the lovely surprise snowstorm.

So I found myself glad to be up so early.  Up in the still-black morning to see our first snowfall clinging to recently glabrous trees: hopeful harbinger of a glorious winter of white vistas observed and made pristine through the glass of the French doors off my living area as I sat – wool sockies and hot chocolate – snug and safe in front of my blazing fireplace.

But the bitch didn’t show up.

Because the morning was so fine, so perfect…I could have forgiven her this. The weather was bad, also unexpected, which could have shaken her up.  And I tend to be the forgiving type.  So when she did call, long after the scheduled time to offer up just such excuses, I did forgive her.  And we rescheduled for today.

Today, 7:00am, telephone rings: “Hello, Angela. This is Maria. I’m on my way.”

Guess what?  She didn’t show up again.  And the snow melted.

So while I mope and crank and feel sorry for myself, lets see who is feeling sexy:

• Looks like Michelle is all dressed up and feeling pretty scrumptious.
• Richard is humming along to the Nutcracker Suite.
• Mistress Edenn is ready to make you “blush and squirm as I probe for all your secret vulnerabilities and make you confess your most embarrassing fantasies.”
• Looking for some girl on girl action?
• Maybe a bit of maternal direction is what you need?
• Barely legal nymphos are always fun. Go ahead. Don’t be shy.
• And Sabrina is always smolderingly hot.
• Not to mention the ever-enticing and intriguing Kat.

So there you go. There’s a lot of sexy people out there. Including myself. Just not tonight.

Previously: Original (males) Phone Sex Wish List Disclaimer: My lesbian desires have always been confined to the fantasy realm. I came close once, but that had a lot more to do with three martinis coursing through my usually temperate veins than any manifest desire to actually be with a real honest-to-goodness girl. I mean, gawd forbid, after all!

But, as you may have heard, Esquire Magazine recently named Scarlet Johansson "The Sexiest Woman Alive." Which, after seeing Lost in Translation and Matchpoint, I have to say that I concur. Funny how I’d missed all that smouldering sexuality in her earlier films. And isn’t it funny how Woody Allen always figures this stuff out before the rest of us?

Anyway, it got me to thinking about womanhood and just how much sexier –and I say this having been called "disgustingly heterosexual" by a college friend/lesbian/best friend– girls tend to be than men. We are just exquisite in so many ways. Which brought me around to thinking maybe I should make a "female" Phone Sex Wish List. So, here you go:

• Scarlet Johansson
• Susan Sarandon
• Mary J. Blige
• Kim Basinger
• Kate Winslet
• Mary-Louise Parker
• Mariska Hargitay
• Charlize Theron
• Sigourney Weaver
• Cate Blanchett

I could probably think up a few more, but let’s save that for another time. But, before I go, let me ask you this: Who is Cliff Watts? And doesn’t he have just about the best job ever?

Toodles, Angela

If

-Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!

(Dearest Miss V: Because you are a magnificent spirit, a generous friend, a beauteous force, my treasured partner in crime and a beloved mentor to many. ~Angela)

…those bad, bad, bad little boys!

I added this quote to Zen Quotes, because I love it:

Be nice to a man and he’s as good as gone. Cater to him, run after him, spill a few tears over him at the breakfast table, call him “Dearie” and you’ll have him falling into the arms of the first vamp who throws him a red rose and a cruel word now and then, when she thinks of it. –Nita Naldi

You can read more about this fem fatale here. Simply fascinating stuff.

and…..

• Did you know I have a Yahoo 360 Page? Give me a holler.
• I am really liking this Slip of a Girl more and more. If you like lingerie you really should be reading her blog daily. She’s deleriously industrious–posting two, three, even four times a day. Lotsa fun! In fact, I’m adding her to my links.
• Which, by the way, is where I found The History of Stockings.
• Been slacking on the calls, but everyday BS (as it has a tendency to do) and a female-thing (now abating) kinda-sorta took me a bit off track. Plus someone hurt my feelings..the dirty rat bastid! Where’s a slave when you need your wounds licked? Look for me tonight….I will try to be there. And I did say try.
• I read the most beautiful poem last week.
• From the “I Should Have Been Born Blonde” true tales of Angela St. Lawrence: I recently bet a caller $5.00 in regards to something or other. Well, I won. So I tell him, You are gonna pay up, too: I will make you call me @ one cent/minute and talk for fifty minutes. I couldn’t understand why he was laughing so hard. Hmmmm….
• I am crowning a new “savant” today: Supervert as “Deviant Savant;” so now I have two. You will find them under Zen-semble by the end of the day.
• Make that three savants. I just collected another one. Because I’ve just crowned Richard, to be know as “Submissive Savant.” Hey, do you even know how to spell the word concatenation…let alone use it in a sentence? I sure don’t.
• Three pieces of mine have been published at Tit-Elation, which I happen to think is tits and champagne when it comes to written erotica. So I’m a happy girl.
• And I was told by someone very special that I should let you know right up front: Women are naturally superior to men. So there.

Well, beloved smutters, I do believe it’s time again for one of my little scavanger lists: a bit of this and a bit of that.

• The Biggest News: Veronica Varlow and Burke Heffner have gone and gotten themselves married! To each other, of course. Do you remember my interview with Burke for Sex Kitten and my little piece a while back on Veronica’s online boutique, Danger Dame? Check out this lovely wedding pic at Veronica’s blog. Are they adorable or what? These two are very good people and I am just tickled pink for them.
• Speaking of Sex-Kitten, I recently reviewed the very naughty flick, BEND OVER BOYFRIEND PART II: MORE ROCKIN’ LESS TALKIN’. You might want to check it out, maybe even buy the DVD to keep for your very own. Cuz you ain’t gettiin’ mine, honey-darling!
• Mark Twain was most definitely not a fan of James Fenimore Cooper! Read all about it right here.
• I don’t know about you, but I am very unhappy about poor Pluto losing planet status. Apparently, there are plenty of others who feel the same way.
• I know I keep saying that I’m going to be updating Literate Smut soon. But I really am…honest injun! I’m very excited about erotic photographer, Dave Hare, who’s just agreed to place a gallery at my Smut Galleries. Make sure to visit his site…he is frickin’ awesome.
• I hate to break it to you, and it’s not that I don’t love ya (you’re the only one for me, baby), but very soon –in fact when Literate Smut is finally updated– I will be raising my prices. It’s not that I’m greedy, it’s that I only have so much energy and voice power to expend per day and I need to work smart. Plus, I do happen to put out a pretty fine product. Which means my $2.19 per min. rate will be going up to $2.49 per min. Of course, special callers (you know who you are) would tell you that I am very generous with treats (so you might wanna try to attain “special caller” status).
• Cuckoldry anyone?
• And if it ends up that Karr is guilty, it will a great American tragedy. Good gawd, what that family was put through. Regardless of his guilt, I was and am disgusted with the lip-licking press and every-fucking-body-else who was so eager to suspect/blame the Ramseys. Why do we do that? What’s wrong with us?
• Welcome home to T. Bye bye to the other T. Can’t you all just stay in the same place for a while? And thanks to Coochie Boy for being so sweet.
• Did I tell you I sprained my ankle? Been miserable all weekend. But I think it is on the mend now.
• Happy NiteFlirt anniversary to Lustful Alice and Dear Madame. Older women make better lovers. Isn’t that how the song goes? I’ve spoken personally with both of these lovely ladies, and they come with my personal guarantee that you will be treated royally…one way or the other. So give ’em a call.
• One more thing. Have you ever hear of No-pan kissa? Well you have now.

Ok, I think I’ll go to bed now.

xo