My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. -Rodney Dangerfield

*****

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his big pistol with the an 8 shot clip, and yelled, “Who in here has been screwing my wife?” A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, “You need more ammo.”

*****

Randall is leaving his office for the day, when a man calls to him, “You’re a cuckold.” Randall ignores him, but goes home and tells his wife, “tonight outside my office building, some asshole called me a cuckold.” His wife replies: “So what? You’re not going to listen to some random idiot in the street, are you? “No, I guess not,” Randall says, putting his arms around her and giving her a kiss. They spend a quiet evening  together and soon retire. The next evening, as Randall is again leaving the office, the same man is waiting for him and calls to him, “You’re a damn tattletale too.”

*****

Midieval Cuck Joke: Francesco Quartnense, a Florentine merchant, resided in Genoa with his wife and family. His children were thin and lanky, while those of the Genoese are generally healthy and hardy. He was asked one day why his children were so spare and of such a weak constitution, it being the reverse with the young Genoese. “The reason is easily given, ” he said. “I work alone at manufacturing my children, but you have quite a number of assistants in the making of yours.” It is fact that, soon after their wedding, the Genoese take again to the sea, and leave their wives, for many years in succession, to the care of other men, as they say.

*****

*****

Hope I made you giggle!

xo, Angela

You are quiet, standing still behind the stall door. Your heart–thud, thud, thud–is slamming against your rib cage, because you think you might really do it this time.

Will you tell her? If you do it, will you? You don’t know, you’re not sure. Because if you do it, all bets are off, everything changes.

You’ve talked with her about it time and again. She’s always laughed, told you that you didn’t have the balls. You’ve laughed with her, telling her that she’s probably right, that she knows you too well. She’s always seemed rather fond of you, and you like that. You want to believe that you mean more to her than the other guys.

The outer door opens. The sound of music, voices, laughter. Dying off as the door slowly swings shut. A crisp swoosh when it meets the doorjamb, then silence. The click of a lock being turned. Footsteps.

“Are you in here? Where are you?”

His voice is deep, husky. It thrills you.

And then he is opening the stall door. You swallow, your mouth is so dry. But you are lowering yourself to your knees. Oh yes, you’re going to do it this time.

***

Hi.

Well, hello, baby. Where have you been? I waited for your call last night. I missed you.

I, um, I was out. A friend was having a party, so I went, ended up staying late.

Did you have fun?

Michelle, I’ve got something to tell you.

Yeah? You can tell me anything, you know that.

I did it. I really did it.

Did what? Oh my fucking god! You mean …

I mean I sucked a cock last night. I did it for real.

Damn! Well, did you like it? Was it as good as our fantasies?

Well, Michelle, I don’t want to hurt your feelings. You’ve been a doll. I really like you.

But?

Well, the thing is, he’s coming over in a little bit. And, well …

Yes? Well, what?

I told the service before they connected us to cancel my account, that this is my last–

Cancel your account? What the fuck?

Michelle, this phone sex costs a lot. And this thing that is happening. It’s hot.

Fuck you!

I wanna see where it goes.

You’re a bastard.

Try to understand, Michelle. I have to pay him, and I can’t afford you both.

FUCKING FAG!

*click*

Hello? Hello? Michelle? FUCKING WHORE!

————————————————————–

by yours truly

xo, Angela

A beloved client writes:

He has his reason for blue balls: 

Siberian man runs marathon in -36° weather

And I have mine.

—————————-

*innocently batting eyelashes*

So I get this email from a MIA client:

To my Glorious and Brilliant Girl

To you …

… my creative Beauty.

… my imaginative Domina.

… my perfectionist-weaver of Glorious Fantasy.

… my adventurous Doppelganger and Partner in Crime.

… my wild Goddess who never met a taboo she didn’t like.

… my generous and patient stiletto-heeled Wonder-Girl.

… my understanding and idolized Phone Sex Illuminato.

This is ♥♥♥♥♥ from ♣♣♣♣ .

Well I used to live in ♣♣♣♣.   You might remember that circumstances dictated I leave the beautiful place I’d called home since forever to move to the Midwest, where I am helping my friends with their start-up Social Media company.  As you can imagine, it took a while to settle in and get things rolling.  But, finally, I feel like things are where they should be.  And boy! Have I missed you!

The good news is we are already out of the red and pulling paychecks. The better news is I have a smartphone.  Guess who I want to call on my sexy, new smartphone?

Yes, you.  Because, I MISSED YOU INSANELY !!!

Now for the nitty-gritty: how do I call you via phone? I was used to the convoluted ways of the web (pay using the site and call you on Skype). So how do I do it on a phone? Do I call NiteFlirt? And then how do I get you? To me there is ONLY ONE Angela, but if I say Angela do they know who I’m referring to? Do you have some kind of a numeric ID that I need to provide? Maybe I say Angela St. Lawrence?

As to our chats:

1. Our first chat needs to be about you and me.  I want to TALK with YOU. Then we can have another chat, or continue the chat.

2. I just want our first chat to be a very long chat.  At least an hour, though I hope you will indulge me with two or three hours of your time.

3. And then we will talk dirty. And I will cum for you, like I cum with no other woman in the world.

4. And I will leave you the review of reviews, telling the universe how special, how perfect, how wonderful you are.

5. And I will tip you and tribute you over and over to make up for all the time we’ve lost with my personal reinvention.

6. And I will call you again and again and again. Forever and ever.

I worship your imagination.  I cherish you for every facet of your personality. I am grateful for what you do to me and for me. And mostly, the way you do it. You play me like a violin. I’m yours and have been since the first time I heard you speak, totally unaware that I’d been doing phone sex all the wrong way with all the wrong girls for a very long time.  Unaware that I was about embark on the adventure of a lifetime with the very definition of perfection. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I hope you are well and content and happy.

My mind (and my cock and my overflowing balls) ache to talk with you. And maybe it will put a smile on your face to know that I have started looking around at ways of making one of my fantasies come true, in a safe way, but make it come true.

There definitely are possibilities in this area. I’m doing preliminary work right now. But I will get there.

Contact me.  Even one sentence will be sheer delight for me.  I will be watching my email obsessively.

Love love love,

From Me who adores YOU, my Brilliant Mystery Girl.