1. It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
2. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
3. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma’am, they’re dead."
4. The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I’ve been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
5. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up that said, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car drove up. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver; putting his hands on his hips, he said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver answered, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
6. A college teacher reminded her class of the next day’s final exam. "Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said. "Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand."

Just some TGIF silliness. From my sister Bethany’s interoffice email. Those insurance people sure do like to goof off.

xo, Angela

If you watch CBS Sunday Morning, which happens to be a most awesome way to spend an early Sunday, you would have seen the piece explaining the title of this entry:

The word “pique-nique” – loosely meaning to “pick a thing of little importance” – originated in 17th-century France. Edouard Manet’s controversial masterpiece, “The Luncheon on the Grass,” captured the country’s naked passion for dining outdoors, though in reality, most did it fully-clothed. “Peek-neek” became the English word “pic-nic” – first appearing in print in 1748 in a letter from the Earl of Chesterfield to his son.

“He writes to his son, this is a great line: ‘I liked the description of your picnic intended more to promote conversation rather than drinking,'” Heminway said. “So, I love that idea, that image of the picnic as a catalyst for conversation or as an excuse for conversation and discourse. I think we would have fewer problems in the world, if we forced our world leaders to picnic together.”

So it was a long Labor Day weekend, to which I looked forward, planning on not laboring a bit, taking a quiet pause for myself — minus the “pique-nique.” Because, as I’ve noted before, I DON’T LIKE PICNICS. Alas, friends and family had other plans and while not working the phone or writing, which is what usually occupies plenty of my time, I was dragged to two picnics.

Now if there had been lots of water –in the form of a river or pool or creek or lake– I might have had some serious fun, because I do adore water sports. No, I’m not talking about that kind, you dirty-minded bad boy! But it does remind me of a joke: You can drag a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think. I can’t remember who told me that, but to whomever: Thanks! Unless you were talking about me, of course. If that is the case, you can call me on my BDSM line so I can kick your ass.

So the picnics weren’t so bad after all. I played Trivial Pursuit (Genus Edition) as part of a team and we won three out of three games, thanks to the members who knew sports and history, and  who’s smattering of scientific information worked well with my smattering. I also made my world famous German Potato Salad, which was a big hit.  In fact, all I brought home was the empty bowl. The second picnic was more in keeping with the French definition (see above), with only 5 guests and myself, and all that was required of me was a bottle of wine. I did get slightly tipsy and giggly. And happened to sleep very well that evening. Could it have been the wine?

So I’ve not been manning the kink-O-phone and have gotten more than a few emails wondering where I am. Well, I am here, that’s where I am. Just taking it a little bit easy, dontcha know? I am also dog-watching for a sibling who is on a three week vacation and was waiting for a maintenance guy to show up to fix my garbage disposal and non-working light socket above the stove.  Diagnosis: Disposal motor burned out due to putting long stem roses into it. Light socket just needed new bulb.  I should just surrender and bleach my hair blonde.

And…I watched Dr. Phil, who I’ve totally done a turn around on. I used to think he was another “psycho-babble” blow hard. Now I think he blows hard all right –hard and righteous– because he tells it like it is without sugar-coating it. I mean, after all, if you wanna get right, then quit wining about your plight and do something about it–for Chrizt’s sake.

Hey! Maybe I could do the David Webb thing, and fantasize about Doctor Phil the next time I’m feeling amorous.

Nah. On second thought, I’ve got enough men on my hands.

xo, Angela

As you should know by now, it isn’t often that I write about my callers. I am very serious about client confidentiality and keeping my callers safe…even though they sometimes prefer I didn’t (that would be in the instance of Consensual Sexual Blackmail–to be addressed in a later entry). But then there is David Webb.

David Webb is, of course, an alias. Mr. Webb may be a pervert, but he certainly is no dummy. Like any healthy American male (and female, dontcha know?), Mr. Webb likes to masturbate. In fact he likes to masturbate a lot.

But David does it a little differently. It’s sorta like the in-famous jerking to the famous…with a twist. The twist being that Mr. Web specifically tugs his tube to a certain faction of the glitterati which includes cheerleaders, news and anchor women, a smidgen of starlets, and a sprinkle of porn stars. And even a few women from his real life. What type of fantasies fuel his jerk-off jubilees? Here’s one with Ricki Lake starring as David’s Sex Ed Teacher.

What put the tick in this man’s ticktock? Frankly, I’m still trying to figure him out. Soft-spoken and polite, David is incredibly sweet natured. But he is stroking from the minute I pick up the phone. We could be talking about the weather or sports — it doesn’t matter to him. I am pretty sure it turns him on that me or some other PSO — my impression is that he talks to quite a few — “catches” him “doing it.” He wants someone to know; after all it isn’t like he is going to get any feedback from the current object of his, *ahem* affection.

I am not being the least bit transpontine in saying that Mr. Webb is somewhat of an uber pervert in that, although there is a demographic of men who fantasize about famous women, he has to be the only guy who regularly spanks his monkey to the morning news. He actually has a “line-up” he watches before going to the office. In fact, you can track exactly how, when and why he “did it” at Kitten Hate, a site I suggested he join which tracks members’ orgasms, where he has is very own page. In his first three days as a member, he’d chalked up fifteen solo orgasms, tripping the light fantastic with Portia de Rossi, Robin Meade and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Cheerleaders Squad, among others. Lots of others.

Crediting Gillian Anderson as his muse (he took to heart her response to an interviewer’s rather innocuous question: “Y’know, whatever gets your rocks off, as far as I’m concerned. It doesn’t bother me. If I felt it was actually harming anybody, I might say something about it. But from what I understand, it’s not. It’s just people having fun and getting off. Besides, I have no control over it anyway.”), our Spew Master even started a Yahoo group, Celebrity Masturbation, which, while no longer active, has spawned a plethora of yikes!-minded groups, blogs, message boards and forums.

Although my meter is fantasy, Mr. Web obviously marches to the beat (beat it, beat it, beat it) of a different drum. He really doesn’t let me weave one of my fantastically dirty chimeras when we talk, opting instead to tell me what’s UP with him, if ya know what I mean. It is a most interesting conversation and I must say –due to his always charming and pleasant demeanor– one I look forward to.

I may be interviewing David Web soon. I am fond of him and he greatly intrigues me.

News at Eleven. (wink)

xo, Angela

This was sent to me a long time ago by a caller.  Obviously, I thought it was a keeper.  Wouldn’t you?  The artist is Ken Martin.  And yes, he has a website.

xo, Angela

…with a little help from my friends. And they are simply marvelous.

Lawyer Guy: Well, he’s a caller, a buddy, a lawyer (of course)…and he sent me this very funny joke:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well, ” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Gracie Passette & Entourage: Yeah, I had a birthday (8/15). And no wish list! Doesn’t every red-blooded PSO have a wish list? Not this one. I let this quietly slip by because I really didn’t want a big fuss, but Gracie begged, so I let her quietly announce it…thanks, Kittens! I actually spent the day at the hospital with my mother … she needed me more than my birthday cake did. And I received some very nice unexpected gifts and tips … thanks guys (you know who you are!)

Jeremy Edwards: You must remember Jeremy, AKA Jerotic? The fab writer who is oh so very naughty in all the right ways? I’ve written about him and featured his stories on more than one occasion….because, well, I like him a lot. He is a kind and generous friend to Zen Fetish, and I simply love having him stop by: To tell us the latest news, or share a randy little story, or even just for tea and crumpets. Not that I know what a crumpet is. But for Jeremy I would certainly comb the town and search every bakery until I found a crumpet or two or three.

As I’ve previously noted, Jeremy certainly gets around. And we all know the man has magic in each and every one of his dirty little fingertips. Oh, how I love those fingertips! It seems that Jeremy is making new friends over at a divinely inspired blog, Lust Bites (more about this later), where in a piece titled, Spouse-Sharing, Knicker-wetting, Flying Fucks, and Other Scenes of Amorous Tenderness, he asks and answers with elegant locution what turns out to be a not-so-rhetorical question of himself: Am I a “romantic?” Which, in turn, answers the question for all of us, Can kink and romance inhabit the same bed?

What do you think? Is he? Can they? If you’ve followed his work (and I have), you already know the answer. But it sure is fun having Jeremy spell it out with that same whimsical, sexy sweetness that permeates and percolates his erotic fiction. Hubba Hubba!

Sweat Shop Sissy: SSS is another Zen Fetish buddy, whose sweeter than sweet blog actually proves Jeremy’s contention that Kink and Romance can most definitely inhabit the same bed…and even thrive. Because Mr. Sissy Man is living it: An everyday working Joe who loves his wife and family deeply and just happen to wear panties…and it turns the Missus on! Ever so kind, he recently sent me this very funny link (be my guest, do click!) which proves that even men in lingerie LOVE BLOW JOBS!

Libby the Libertine: Speaking of Blow Jobs, Libby (of SexPros), who is a fellow columnist (I’m officially on hiatus, but not for long) at Sex Kitten, recently sucked the most famous cock in the world and possibly of all times? Surely I don’t need to tell you who this cock belonged to? Well…none other than Ron Jeremy, himself! Want all the juicy, naughty details? READ ALL ABOUT IT! I really love what Gracie had to say about this particular (mighty giddy…can you blame her?) confessional: Gawd, I luv you, Libby. Who else is gonna call me at 2 a.m. and say, “Guess whose dick I had in my mouth?” ROFL

Mistress V: Just a quick note here (I tend to go on when it comes to this lady. Aren’t you proud of the restraint I’m showing today?) Have you seen her Fetish Heat Video in which she publicly humiliates a sissy? Well, then, go there now. She is so damn hot! No “pretender to the throne,” this Fetish Mistress.

Lust Bites: I’m smitten. Accordingly, I’ve added this awesome blog to my links under Ethical Smut. A lot is happening over at Lust Bites (The blog on everyone’s lips.) It’s an upbeat hub of activity with a a gaggle (that’s a horde with attitude) of excellent regular writers discussing and opining on all things smut-O-licious…and tossing in a healthy dose of Brain Porn (that means you have to read with one hand and, well…do whatever with the other) for good measure. Plus Guest Bloggers! What a deal! And every inch of it is smart writing. Oh, and did I mention all the Freebies and Give-Aways?

Like I said…I get by with a little help from my friends.xo, Angela