 | On the Edge of Kink |
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…or on the Edge of Vanilla.
One and the same, kinda-maybe-sorta?
I love, adore, worship, fantasize about, treasure, relish, celebrate all things kink. In proper measure, that is. So many ways to be sexy, to turn others and ourselves on…why get fetished out? Because being fetished out is an addictive behavior, don’t ya know? And it robs us and those we love of so many experiences waiting to be shared.
I am thinking along these lines for three very specific reasons. Let’s look at them individually, shall we?
Submissive Savant: A Well-Balanced Slave-Type
I know I speak of Richard quite often, but I’m like that with my friends. So quit your griping and deal with it already! Richard, as you should know by now is in love with and loved by his provacative/kissable Goddess Alexandra. He does have and knows that he has the best of both worlds: the lazy intimacy of connected spirits and the edgy heat of kink and fetish play. I like this guy’s style. I like it a lot. We should all be so lucky to have it all, and know to appreciate it.
So it seems Richard decided to make a list. A very special list. Because even the most balanced of us need to sometimes wallow in the kinkier strains of our multifaceted selves. Titled Ten Best Things About BDSM, Richard’s list (which includes –gawd, I love this guy– peace and self-knowledge) is presented as a meme (project) in which we kinkster-blogger types are welcome to participate. I am contemplating a few lists along these lines. Probably should have one up tomorrow. That oughta wet your wicked little whistles.
Vanilla Savant: My Teacher and Student
Specializing in Fetish/Kink/FemDom Fantasy Phone Sex, I have to admit that Mr. Vanilla is not my typical client. But he showed up and stuck around, despite my giving him a tongue lashing (because I’m a big baby sometimes) via email before we’d even spoken on the phone. I feel pretty darn lucky that he chivalrously chose to ignore my brattiness and give me a chance, because I’ve benefited much from what has turned into a deep friendship of mutual affection and appreciation.
Mr. Vanilla was and still is, well, vanilla at heart. But what’s so wrong with that? After all, it’s how homes are built, babies are made, families are grown. And he has done all of that and done it well. He teaches me every day about decency, honesty, doing the right thing.
I –or somebody like me– was a secondary thought in Mr. Vanilla’s life. A choice he made due to the unfair choices of others. At least I think that is a good way to put it.
But once he arrived, I began ever-so-slowly to introduce him to “kink around the edges.” And guess what? He likes it. He likes it a lot. And he really likes me. And no — absolutely not! I will not tell you about our personally shared kink. That is his to keep forever. And it is mine to keep safe for him forever.
And guess what else? I really like him. In fact, as he is now officially a part of my Savant Collection, I think I will introduce him to you (if he’ll let me…I haven’t asked yet) in an up and coming entry. Stay tuned for The Vanilla Savant Interview.
Balancing Act: Va-Kink-Nilla
So I made a new friend today, a most interesting one. I’d been catching his comments on Richard’s blog (see above), signed Tom Allen, which linked to his blog. Impressed by what he had to say, I checked him out with my most insightful Submissive Savant. “One of the Good Guys,” Richard said. And that was good enough for me.
Surreptitiously reading Tom’s blog and paying attention to (and usually agreeing with) the things he has to say for more than a few days now, I’ve come to the most delightful conclusion that he and I have, in fact, much in common.
I should have known. After all, he named his blog, The Edge of Vanilla. Which is where I am most of the time. FemDom for fun and games and fantasy play, but mostly creamy vanilla in the center. I just like room to stretch when the mood strikes me…which seems to be what Tom is aiming for.
So I finally took the plunge and posted a comment at his blog yesterday. And guess what? He knew who I was. Just blew me away, let me tell ya. So I’ve listed him under Hot Blog over to the right. Visit him often. He has lots to learn and lots to teach. They’re always the most fun people to be around, don’t ya think?
“Lots to learn and lots to teach. The most fun people to be around, don’t you think?” Angela, this comment about Tom is exactly what makes you so special – your openness to a real exchange with the people you meet. You are a great writer and a hot PSO – but mostly, you are the consummate conversationalist. And we all admire, no, love you for that.
Generosity of spirit and space is one of the attributes that keeps us fans of the Mistress coming back, hanging around, and otherwise remaining in awe of the facets and talents Angela possesses.
Been away for a bit and now I feel I have to get a note and buckle down and do my blog homework. But, kidding aside, I am glad Angela personifies her work, while using the utmost discretion. I feel a sense of community in Angela’s world of Savants, et al, and I eagerly await the Vanilla interview (what an honor, Mr. Vanilla!).
You make me smile!
Monkey…you make me smile. For many reasons, as you know.
Interesting directions to this website. Now, for the sake of discussion…
Assuming you have two willing partners, and they’re curious and experimental about things sexual, why be vanilla? Why not play with different positions, toys, fetishes, games, etc.
I’ve always thought that sex is the adult equivalent of play. We put our childish toys away and, supposedly, grow up. But do we?
We still have imaginations, we still get bored, we still get fascinated by things new and different. So why be vanilla?
Getting “fetished out” may be a danger if one party fixates on one aspect of sex to the point where it scares, bores, or turns off the other partner. But a constant regimen of vanilla can do the same thing.
So why nibble at the margins of vanilla? It seems awfully boring to me. I guess I just don’t get it.
I see your point, PQS, but still maintain mine.
I have seen “fetished out” and it ain’t pretty. And “vanilla” for me can actually include a dose of any kind of sexual play on a fairly regular basis.
The use of certain words and phraseology is a good example of using “spice” in an incredibly heady way to drive someone insane with passion. I, myself, have some trigger words.
Or even simple things like the moan/grunt a man makes when he first sees the cunt of his desire up close up and personal.
The simple act of pinning a woman to the bed when fucking her might drive her nuts.
Lightly stimulating a man’s anus when giving him head might turn him into a writhing, lustful animal.
Being “fetished out” is something different from any of this. When this occurs within a person’s sexual psyche, he/she has taken their major turn-ons so far that they MUST occur in every sexual encounter. Play has turned into a regimented, scripted, restrictive activity. At that point, is no fun for anyone – particularly their partners.
~Angela
I hear what you’re saying about scripted activity. I’d imagine most phone sex shades off into that category. People can, and do become, jaded.
And I also agree, vanilla can be nuanced in ways such that doing it may not always the same patterned thing. There’s nothing wrong with that, I suppose, provided both partners are happy with the circumscribed boundaries they put on it.
But I’d maintain that most people really aren’t satisfied with their limited sex lives and “vanilla” (here I mean “vanilla” in the bad sense — eg. the same missionary position all of the time) has a lot to do with it. Why is there a phone sex industry, pornography, racy photos all over the net, prostitution, B & D clubs, etc., etc. if most couples were truly “happy” with their “vanilla” sex lives?
Maybe a finger massaging an anus can be a nice surprise occasionally to vary the monotony. But that, while nice, sounds pretty tame to me. I think one partner or the other is more apt to want more.
The very existence of phone sex — your metier — tells me that an awful lot of people are dissatisfied with their sex lives. Maybe people tend to be mismatched. One is experimental, another is disinterested. One is repulsed by some sort of activity; another is intrigued by it. Apparently many people just aren’t getting what they want or need in their everyday “real” worlds and masturbatory fantasies of some form or another are relied upon to fill the void. Sex with another person is necessarily a two way street. But for an awful lot of people, it seems, that two-way street is awfully “one way”.
Sex (like life) is a smorgasbord. Why be timid about it? Have fun with it! Enjoy it! Sample it all! Buy some toys! Nibble some toes!
Put on some boots! Hum the Star Spangled Banner while you eat her out! Jeez! Indulge! Think about it. There are people out there that have never experienced a blow job. There are women whose men won’t give them oral sex. Hell, there are some that don’t have sex with one another at all! To me a restricted sexual diet of “vanilla” is pretty much the same as a culinary one flavor of the same flavor of ice cream. It may be okay for some people, but not moi.
PQS and Angela: I think you are both right. Sex should be fun and exciting. What makes it exciting may depend upon the starting point of the partners; if a couple has always been stereotypically vanilla and missionary, discovering a mere shift in position or in the vocabulary they use with each other might send them through the roof, while many of your callers, Angela, start much further along the experimentation spectrum and may need entirely different stimuli to liven things up. Excitement requires freshness, I think, but what is new depends upon the starting point. Your Mr. Vanilla may just have a less demanding need for the exotic to provide excitement. (But it sounds as though you are raising his threshold, Angela!!)
But “play” is not the same thing as “addiction.” I’m particularly impressed with Submissive Savant’s healthy understanding here in the context of a deep and committed relationship. So I agree with Angela that a need for more and more stimulation, particularly if it ignores the needs of the partner, could be destructive. As in so many things – the issue is balance.
BTW, you really need a way of editing posts after we put them up. In rereading my last one, I see myself shading off into frenzied incoherency.
Nice summation, Booklover. I’m going to breakfast. And I’m not going to have my usual of two over easy with bacon. Today, it’s french toast with a side of link sausages! Phooey on vanilla!
A breakfast on the Wild Side! Go for it!
I think most of the world of porn, phone sex, fairly explicit commercial media, etc is really not so good. Perhaps the financial success of this “industry” is more indicative of how isolated so many people have become in this world of amazing instant communication. Add to that the addictive behavior so easily pursued and definitely encouraged in the privacy of your study and I think porn (defined broadly) is mostly sad and counterproductive.
Lest I sound like some hypocritical conservative, the above commentary about personal kink or vanilla or rocky road are all on the money in the confines of personal relationships. And the right to access the legal porn of your choice should be defended vigorously.
In the midst of a pretty sad and sordid landscape stands the wonderful, sensitive, humane yet very sexy Angela who is an artist and creative genius.
You’re right, Nerd. Most porn, after you see enough of it, is pretty boring. Personally, I dislike the cheapness and tawdriness of it. So much of it is moronic and targeted at illiterates. I’m supposed to get turned on watching a grainy film depicting a tattooed Fabio having his way some panting porn queen? Why?
Another thing about most porn that I dislike is its sub rosa aspect. For some reason it all has to involve something “verboten” or “naughty”. The world of porn is always peopled with gorgeous women secretly diddling themselves with dildos, off-limits underaged cheerleaders having sex with their teacher, transsexual wrestlers pulling down one another’s trunks and expressing “shock” and “surprise”, women doing ritualistic “spankings” of 60-year old “naughty boys”, blah, blah blah. It’s all so juvenile. Because our society thinks variation in the ways we can have sexual intercourse is such a “bad” thing, when we depict it, it always has to have an aspect akin to kids sticking their hands into a cookie jar. I get very tired of this.
Also, in porn, there’s seldom any seduction or frisson, none of the participants in porn ever seem to have real personalities. They never seem to want to laugh, to play, or to have any “fun”. There’s never any banter or wit, not real attempt at dialogue, no opportunity for a viewer to care about the dramatis personae.
I also dislike the fact that porn, strictly speaking is totally voyeuristic. When I read or see it, I’m always forced into the role of being a third-party viewing others engaged in some kind of activity. It’s always about watching other people do it. My role, I suppose, is to just shut up, pull out my pud, and masturbate. That, at bottom, is totally solitary, completely unimaginative, and emotionally empty. I may get off, but I don’t depart from the experience with any epiphanies.
Maybe the allure of phone sex and prostitution is that at least these outlets are interactive. At least in theory they are individualized. But the naggingly bad part about even these avenues is that, at bottom, what is involved is just a financial transaction. There isn’t much caring about one another, not much real tenderness. You just plunk out the coin, buy a fantasy for a few minutes from a real voice or a real body, ejaculate, and then move on. Some people may be happy with that. It’s perhaps better than no intimacy at all or repetitive “Ground-Hog-Day” experiences with a cold spouse. But it isn’t particularly satisfying. Really good sex is a lot more personal than that.
I’m meandering, I suppose. But what I’m trying to say, I guess, is that sex can, and really should be, so much more than it is in an American society where dysfunctional relationships seems to be the norm and not the exception.
Maybe that’s why I get grouchy when I read about unhappy “vanilla” relationships. Or, worse, about totally asexual relationships (a married guy in my office who hasn’t had sex with a woman in 13 years comes to my mind here). It irritates me to think how something so natural, intimate and pleasurable can go so wrong.
Balance is a good thing. In all pursuits, even sexual ones.
I couldn’t agree with you more, Angela!!
Happy Thanksgiving, dearest one…xoxo
Hi Ms. St L –
You think that you were blown away? I just saw that you used my joke on Zen Humor 😉
It’s nice to see that you’ve got regular visitors who have interesting and intelligent conversations. This comment from PQS made me pause:
For some reason it all has to involve something “verboten†or “naughtyâ€Â.
I’m not sure that this is a totally bad thing. Part of the turn-on for many people, and not just porn consumers, is the idea that a particular act or situation is culturally taboo. If you ask any hundred people if they think of themselves as average or a bit out of the ordinary, you’ll see that most of them will claim to be “not” average. We all would like to think of ourselves as being slightly rebelious, and for some of us, that is the appeal to actions that are sometimes defined as kinky.
In fact, if you freqent any BDSM related web groups, you’ll find that a small percentage declare that part of the appeal of BDSM for them is the “extreme” or “taboo” aura. I’ve even read some people who claim that if BDSM ever acheives mainstream popularity, then they’ll have to find something else.
Anyway, thank you for the recognition. And thanks to Richard for pointing you out a while back.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
Thanks for the thoughtful reply about the “taboo aspect”. Yeah, you’re right, that appeal is certainly there for many and I guess, in thinking about it, it has its attractions. If BD/SM wasn’t sub rosa, a lot of people would move on to something else. Sheep, beware!
But often it’s all so childish. Funny thing, isn’t it. Adults wanting to act like kids? Sneaking around in dark “dungeons” wearing vinyl or PVC and ritualistically spanking or beating one another — but not too hard and not if any secret “safe” word is uttered. It’s reminiscent of the funny handshakes and passwords that groups like the Masons and the Elks give one another. Why do we behave so when it comes to things sexual? Go figure.
I think it’s because most of us have not moved past the romanticization of ol’ Marquis de Sade or Leopold Sacher-Masoch. Even those who have never heard of “Venus in Furs” or “The 120 Days of Sodom” have somehow internalized the taboo, hidden, and yes, perverted aspects.
But our entire culture seems to force the concepts of BDSM into a particular mold that , I think, we tend to also internalize. Imagine: Black leather corset and thigh-high riding boots. Can you pair that image up with anything but a dominatrix?
Very funny analogy with the BDSM culture & the Freemasons. I’ll have to mention it at my next lodge meeting.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
PQS, you sound like one of the exceptionally enlightened individuals in this country (the world?). A relationship in which both partners are honestly communicating, sexually mature, personally confident and self-realized (oh, and attracted to each other for all the right reasons)? Now that is an enviable situation which, it seems to me, is made even more difficult to achieve by an increasingly pulsating, impersonal, surrealistic world of entertainment that so permeates our culture.
Thanks for your erudite observations, PQS.
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