“Mr. M,” a cherished client, is a constant source of delight: Kinkier than hell, sharp as a tack, lovable as a teddy bear, and witty beyond words. He likes to send me emails from a variety of alter egos, which always have me in stitches when I am reading them. With his permission, I am reprinting the following email, in which his “psychiatrist” has a thing or two to say to me. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It is a “poifect” example of of why (on most days) I love my callers!

Dear Ms. St. Lawrence:

I am writing you because my patient and our mutual acquaintance, Joseph M., was terribly traumatized by the tenor of your last E-mail message. I suspect that Mr. M. has been so affected by his years of being beaten by nuns and the resultant “Catholic Guilt” engendered in his psyche that he is now reluctant — at least on a surface level — to partake of your generous invitation to cross-dress him. Instead, he has been trying (with my help) to repress his carnal urges and obsessions through an intense course of pushups, cold showers, and meditation on wholesome thoughts.

As his psychiatrist, I have to warn you that when you repeatedly tempt Mr. M. to succumb to the lizard desires of his fevered id and urge him to let loose his pent-up passions and emotions — in short, when you goad him to “be a dirty girl for you” — well…I can only say that you are playing with fire… (“Du spielst mit Feuer” as we Freudians say). In any event, the strange, almost Kafkaesque metamorphosis that you wish to elicit from Mr. M. is a fearsome thing — something that even I, a psychiatrist of many-years experience, often shudder to hear about when Mr. M. discusses it with me in our therapeutic sessions.

As his alter-ego, “Babette,” our subject becomes a strange uninhibited trollop — one that smokes, drinks and is prone to wear items of intimate women’s apparel. Given this bizarre behavior, I think it best, at least for the time being, that we try together to keep a secure lid on this man’s otherwise unbridled libido. Let us not tempt him with further lascivious communications. Instead let us endeavor to channel his passions into less volatile and more productive pursuits — macrame, croquet, and cat-grooming being a few that come to mind.

That said, (and I’m now striving to put this to you with the delicacy the request merits) would you have any extreme compunctions about participating in some guided telephonic sex with a psychiatrist?

As you know, psychiatrists are human beings too. At my insistence, Mr. M has given me the numerical coordinates for www.literatesmut.net and, after visiting your website, I felt a stirring in my loins such as I had not experienced since my student days at Heidelberg. After that experience (which persisted for quite some time), I felt I simply had to communicate with you. You see, I too feel the “ache of desire,” the “torment of denial,” and desire to live the “bliss of obedience.”

Would you consider a short session with me wherein (while Tammy Wynette trills in the background) you walk upon my supine body with your Size 6 feet — only wearing something on them that makes them look just a tad smaller and more petite than they actually are. If so, I’d be forever in your debt.

If you are so amenable, please respond by e-mail at my Freudian website at your earliest opportunity.

The address is freakyshrink@freudian.com. I eagerly await your reply.

Very professionally yours,

Dr. Manfred Luttow-Vorbec

This entry was posted on Monday, February 27th, 2006 at 4:39 pm and is filed under Funny Side Up, Kink-O-Phone, Rhetorically Yours. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.