Spam-O-Lot:  Close Encounters of the Kinkiest Kind.

Many are probed, but few are chosen…

Is There Hope for the Human Race?

As sex-crazed as the aliens appear, I really don’t think it is their fault. As I noted a few paragraphs ago, while I continue to receive their emails, it has been a one-way communication. It isn’t that I haven’t tried. I’ve sent them email after email (Hello out there? Is anybody home? I come in peace!), eager to initiate a species-to-species dialogue.

It seems that an entity, going by the moniker mailer-daemon, has compromised their inboxes and is circumventing my emails to them. Every single time I attempt to make contact, I get an officiously worded dispatch from the nefarious creep saying basically, in one way or another, that my email cannot be delivered. It doesn’t take a Carl Sagan to hypothesize that if mailer-daemon is controlling the aliens’ Internet communiqués, then he is in all probability controlling the aliens themselves.

In other words, the daemon made them do it!

There is no doubt the little ever-ready stellar stumpers are reaching out to me. Desperate for help, their emails have evolved. Some make references to Viagra, which they probably sorely need at this point. Others bring tears to my eyes with their desperate petitions of “we need your feedback.” Quite a few are trying to get my attention by warning me that my eBay account needs updating, when they know very well I don’t have an eBay account. A particularly creative alien wrote to me in German regarding the erotik-deutschland newsletter when he knew very well that I don’t speak German and have never subscribed to that particular periodical.

With mailer-daemon thwarting each and every attempt I’ve made to respond to my new friends, I have to admit I’ve been feeling pretty demoralized. I mean, after all, who is this guy who is so powerful that he is able to control this obviously advanced species that found its way to our Internet?

Today I received another email, this one from wpyyhgotf@yarjah.es, the subject box containing three simple words: Choose your Destiny! Wanting to throw off the ever-present mailer-daemon, he, of course, included a link to a porn site in the email, but I heard him loud and clear.

I will not give up! I will find a way, even if it takes the rest of my life, to defeat mailer-daemon. I will find a way to free the aliens from their sexual slavery and deliver humankind from the treachery of anal probes!

For you, for me, for mrkdlvm@jaxqi.org and all the other brave solar system sluts, and most of all for wpyyhgotf@yarjah.es, who inspired me because he believes in me, I will set us free. I will….CHOOSE MY DESTINY!!!

(But, like I said before, just in case this takes a while, keep the Vaseline and condoms handy.)

 

 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 24th, 2006 at 8:05 am and is filed under Rhetorically Yours. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.